Recap - Settling In

One thing I love (and hate ... mostly hate) about life is that you really can't plan for the future. You can have an idea of what you want it to look like, but saying that you'll do something through a step by step process is rather difficult. For me, this summer was all about gaining a sense of control again. But, I didn't exactly achieve all the goals I set when I started this blog. 

• I told you I would reveal my results on Labor Day. 18 days later, I am. 

• I told you I was going to achieve a certain goal weight. I didn't get there. 

But here's the great thing. I feel settled in my life again. When my grandpa died last year, nothing felt right. I let my bad habits and dark emotions get the best of me. Now, I am not trying to say that you shouldn't be sad sometimes or that you shouldn't just sit all day and indulge in some chocolate. What I am saying is that I was letting myself feel sad and be lazy all the time because I thought it was "just the way I deal with grief and change". I thought it was healthy because I was allowing myself to wallow. But in all reality, I was just trying to tune out life. I let go of healthy routines that would have helped my through this tough time because my life had forever changed and I didn't want to pretend that it was the same. 

To be really honest, this summer has been so much more about the journey rather than the destination. I have learned more about myself and uncovered more strength than I ever thought possible when I posted my first entry in June. So here's what I learned:

• When I am grieving or sad, it becomes even more necessary for me to reflect and literally write down what I am feeling. I explode into a ball of tears at random moments if I don't. 
• Running is NOT the best therapy for me. Sometimes, it just makes me angry. Yoga, on the other hand, makes me feel strong and confident.
• Eating junk food is just an act of reliving old memories that represent a very fun time in my life. In all reality, it doesn't make me feel better. And, I really don't like that sick feeling after a sugar rush. Because I actually notice it now. 
• Sitting all day makes my body hurt. 
• Using a fitbit ignites my competitive soul every day and reminds me to keep moving.
• Moving every day, eating right, isn't just about a number on a scale or looking a certain way. It's about feeling settled in your own skin. It's about having pride in yourself. It's about feeling free.

The actual number result?

Okay, okay...

If you really want to know, I lost about 7 pounds this summer.

My clothes fit better. And I can breathe when I run again. 

I weigh 160 pounds today. 

And I am looking forward to the beautiful future ahead. 

I'll probably keep posting on this site to keep talking about how I am feeling. I have really enjoyed this self portrait project too and look forward to doing new projects. Feel free to check back in every once in a while. 

Thanks for being a part of the journey. 

Week 6 - Battling Stress

Everyone knows that life isn't easy. 
You have to push through and keep a smile on your face.
Similarly, you need to keep taking care of yourself. 
The past few weeks have been this way for me.

I'm transitioning in my job.
I'm trying to lose weight. 
We are probably moving soon. 
It's actually a lot to keep in my head. 

There hasn't been a lot of time for photography.
Or this blog.
Or my food blog.
I've just been trying to eat right and exercise every day.
It seems to be all that I can do.

It's not fun. 
I miss the balance I had even just a few weeks ago. 
It makes me want to eat junk and sit. 

But here's the cool thing. 
I have realized now that the junk and the sitting around make me feel worse.
I find myself craving those veggies and those hard runs. 
And that makes me feel encouraged. 
I'm making real steps forward. 
And that makes me feel calm. 

Week 5 - Choosing Health & Happiness

Last week when I realized how much the numbers were affecting ability to stay motivated in this challenge, I decided to walk away from the scale for a bit. If this is really going to be a life long way of being, I need to be okay with myself every single step of the way.

I have the luxury of taking this weight loss thing slowly. I'm not in a whole lot of immediate danger. This whole process is really more about confronting bad habits, understanding why those habits started, and figuring out a healthier way to deal with stress. So I don't have too much more to say this week. But if I can encourage you to do one thing, it would be this: the next time you go to pick up a cookie, some chips, or something that is not really going to give you the energy you need - stop. Did you make the mindful decision to eat it? Or are you eating it mindlessly to fill some type of void or to drown those never ending thoughts? Food is energy. Not a bandaid. 

We take our dogs on walks every day. Water our plants regularly. Make sure our houses are clean. Why not take that same intention with ourselves? Do what is best for yourself - and that starts with choosing the best meals to keep your body functioning. And don't forget that we were made to move too.... keep moving. Keep choosing yourself, your happiness, your health.

The choice is yours.

Week 4 Recap - Feeling Results

After a bit of a rough start to the week last week, I was frustrated. But even more so, I was determined to pay attention to what my body is actually telling me on a day to day basis. Are you full? Why does this run hurt? Did you eat enough? When was the last time you had some water? Why are you feeling tired?

And then the evil thoughts started streaming...
"You're fat" 
"You're not attractive"

I won't say more, because we have all been there. Am I right? I felt like I had a set back last week and so I felt negative about myself. When in all reality, I have an awesome life with people who love me for who I am and I am making real strides towards overall health. I was just having a pity party because I didn't see the numbers go down on the scale. 

Photo By: Gina Defraia, FancyPants Photography

Today, I weighed myself again. I saw the numbers go down and was extremely excited. I instantly felt better about myself. But then I realized I had just weighed myself two days ago and had seen no change. How fickle and fleeting are our bodies! I had been looking for an immediate reward this whole time. And so when I didn't get it, I reverted back to bad habits. Making this whole personal project feel more like a sham. SO, instead of acting like a child I decided to WOMAN up and act like I am 25 years old. Here's what I know about being 25:

• I don't know everything
• Each day cannot be planned out and 100% known
• You need to love yourself and find your version happiness every single day
• Rewards are great, but healthy habits are better
• If you don't try to take care of yourself, no one else will... because they can't
• Little wins add up to bigger & more sustainable wins over time
• Exercising every day improves SO MANY facets of your life
• You should stop eating when you're full --- you can always snack later ;)
• Like experiences, numbers are also relative. Read this Buzzfeed article

Photo By Gina Defraia 

And you remember those questions I asked myself last week? Here's what I noticed:

• I run more freely only after I have had a healthy snack an hour or so before working out. This goes for really any workout.
  Some snacks I like before working out are...
• 1 small slice whole wheat bread, hummus, and a few carrots 
• An apple and a dab of peanut butter 
• A small smoothie made with almond milk, blueberries, frozen kale, 1/2 banana
  
• I actually don't need to eat a lot in one sitting, and I am more drawn to snacking throughout the day. The best trick so far for me is while I am eating is, if I feel full, I put my plate down and do something else for a bit. After a few minutes if I feel hungry again, I eat. If not, I wrap my meal up for later. Don't feel chained to your plate!
  
• If you're hungry, you SHOULD eat something. Junk will only make you feel worse. Think of what will best fuel you for the rest of the day.  And NOT eating will make you feel angry and dizzy. Not to mention you won't be able to enjoy your workout or even that hangout session with your best friend.
  
• You feel tired because you are dehydrated and you didn't move enough during the day. You're sluggish, not sleep deprived. Drink some water, go for a walk.

So, if you're reading this. How was your week? What did you learn about yourself? I'd love to know.

Week 3 Recap - Not Giving Up

This past week, I turned 25. I am happy to say that I am SO STOKED about that. I feel like that mid-quarter life crisis is behind me, I'm finding the things that really fulfill me and I know where I want my life to go. But as a side note, I am more aware that change is HARD but it isn't THE END of the world. 

25 feels good on me. And to that end, I didn't make any progress on my weight loss goal this past week. I ate ice cream, I drank wine, my grandma made me 2 chocolate cakes, and I just indulged. But luckily, I feel like I didn't go too overboard - a sign that my appetite is chaning. And I think that going on a 12 mile backpacking trip didn't hurt either to balance everything out ;)

My birthday view // Lake Dorothy 

But I have to say that when I stepped on that scale Monday morning and saw I didn't lose anything, I was angry. I spent most of yesterday beating myself up. Why can't I just have it easy? And then I stopped myself, this wasn't meant to be easy. Life throws a lot of good and bad at you, and you have to take it all in stride. Some weeks you're going to indulge, other weeks you'll buckle down. But that I can't let myself have any more excuses. This is what I am doing, I am being disciplined and thoughtful with my diet right now, and I just have to work harder. 

I am not going to bury my head in the sand.

On our backpacking trip, my friend talked a lot about teaching kids to have a growth mindset versus a "fixed" one. We allow boys to think they are just born good at math. We allow girls to think they are better at just being "good". In all reality, we must work hard to be successful. In the same vein, I think we do this with people who appear very fit. But let's look at their diets or workout routines, are they really working for their nutrition and overall health? A chunk of them are probably just riding a pure wave of metabolic luck. But a bigger portion of those folks have put in the work and have laid a solid foundation of holistic well being - bit by bit. 

You want to be fit, lady? Did you fail a little this week? Work harder. 

Week 2 Recap - Steps Forward

“I paint myself because I am the subject I know best ... I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.”
- Frida Kahlo 

I have seen improvement this past week. 
I worked hard and it paid off. 
I feel on track, 
but there's a lot more work to be done. 

Over the last two weeks, I have written everything that I am going to eat down before I eat it. And I did not deter from that unless absolutely necessary. If I did deter from it, the extra snack would be a veggie or some almonds. Pretty intense stuff if you ask me. And the payoff wasn't anything crazy. In two weeks, I lost 3 pounds. Really reasonable and a good trend to set for long term sustainability. 

But that was the first two weeks. Writing everything down and planning my meals every time before I eat them is unreasonable. Now is the time to take the lessons I learned from that intense set of discipline and put it into practice in the real world. 

A typical dinner I am enjoying. Protein + veggies = all you need after a long day

Here are the lessons:

- Cut out the grains at breakfast and dinner. When you do eat grains, make sure they are whole wheat (preferably sprouted), brown rice, or quinoa. You want your carb intake at each meal to be low and grains usually take up a huge chunk of that.  

- Focus on getting lean protein and veggies in at every meal. You stay fuller longer without putting your body in too much distress to digest.

- You don't need all that sugar. Make it a treat to look forward to the weekend, soon you'll find you don't crave it anymore. In fact, it may not even taste as good as you remember. 

- A glass of wine or a beer periodically during the week is cool with dinner. But save a cocktail or two for your celebration of making it to the weekend. Cocktails pack a lot sugar and are easy to over do. Do you really need it? No. Treat your alcohol intake like you would a dessert. 

So what's next?
I'm sticking to the same plan as I was on for the last two weeks, but without writing it all down. My exercise is still the same (5-6 days a week / mostly moderate intensity / at least 10,000 steps every day). Things are good, and knowing that I will be taking a picture of myself each week has been a great motivator. I remind myself to take a real look at what I am doing day to day and to be sure I'm making the best steps forward. Let's keep moving.

Week 1 Recap - Reflecting on Comfort

As a kid, I had a routine. Get home from school, sit on the couch, turn on the TV, and snuggle a pillow over my chest and stomach. And then I'd be there, for hours, getting more lazy and apathetic with each new episode. 

Woah. That's my comfort zone. 

Long day of work? I just want to zone out with some netflix and a glass of wine. 
Stressed out? Give me a MASH marathon and some cookies. 
Too tired from my constant busy schedule? Binge watch Gilmore Girls all weekend & lots of pasta. 

I think you get the point. 
When I'm tired, you can find me on the couch hugging a pillow. 

But let's talk about the pillow. 
How did that start?

I hate, and I mean hate, my stomach. It's where I carry most of my weight and has never been flat like those girls on the photoshopped magazine covers (and in real life). So I cover it up. But what I have failed to realize is that when I snuggle with the pillow, I am covering up my insecurities. It's not just a comfort zone, it's also a way of ignoring myself. I need to take care of myself. My body deserves to move and use food as energy not an indulgence (all the time). 

So, here's the good news! The first week went really well and I am working hard to keep up the good work into the second week. I'm not feeling overfull and I am relearning to notice when I am actually hungry. I'm moving even more, and even looking forward to it! 

I'm feeling great and that's all the motivation I need to get up off the couch.
Cheers to good health!

The Start

I’m starting something a little new. A year ago, almost, I promised myself that I would work out every day for an hour. Four months in, my life started changing so fast my head felt like it was swirling with emotions. And no, it wasn’t in a good way. I had the challenge in the back of my mind, but it was no longer a priority. Luckily I am active pretty much every day because of that nagging feeling in the back of my brain, but my whole body feels out of whack.

In college I lost over 50 pounds. A of today, I have gained about 25 of those back. Some of it is muscle, which is great. But most of it is weight of not paying attention to what I am eating and not taking care of my ever-changing body. I am all for loving the body you’re in, but I feel sluggish and some of the activities I had no problem with are difficult for me now. My knees and back hurt when I run, and I constantly feel hindered by my exercise induced asthma. So while I have been staying active, it has become an everyday struggle. Eating right + exercise = overall health. And I know that if I keep pushing myself, things will get better.

But what about when you feel like you’ve hit a wall? You’re trying really hard every day to eat right and workout, but it seems like the numbers on the scale either aren’t changing or they are going up. So then you start making excuses for yourself, “Well, I didn’t weigh myself at the same time as the last time” … “It’s my time of the month, so I’ll be carrying some extra water weight” …”Maybe I just gained some more muscle, it weighs more than fat you know”. And while I totally believe that your weight fluctuates on the daily, and the number on the scale does not define me – I have a bigger problem that needs to be faced.

In October, my grandpa died suddenly due to an aggressive cancer most likely caused or increased by his type 2 diabetes. My mom has this disease, my grandma does and my great-grandpa did too. On top of all that, my uncle was just diagnosed with Prostate cancer. Luckily, it looks like he will be okay. But here’s the bottom line: I am at risk. I don’t have good genes and I can’t take any more chances with my health. I want to be active, healthy, and live a long life without a lot of complications.

So it’s time for some mindful dieting to kick-start a new path for me. I have done the whole “diet” thing before, and it isn’t sustainable long term. But what I do need to do is to mindfully practice some discipline. I need to find out what works for me on a maintainable basis and regulate what I eat until I find a new normal. My goal is to lose 20 pounds and to run 3 miles without feeling winded or like my knees are going to snap. I’m going to be taking it two weeks at a time while also allowing “cheat meals” on the weekends during lunch and dinner. At the end of each two weeks, I’ll check in and see if I should make any adjustments. I’ll keep going until Labor Day and we will see what the final results are. I’ll be doing a photo body-love project the whole way, reflecting on my progress and keeping myself accountable. I won’t be telling you my numbers along the way, but you can check in on my reflections and weekly plans to see how I am feeling about the process. I’ll let you know if I am successful, but I have a feeling it’s going to be great either way.

And it starts today.